Tuesday, March 20, 2007

"Prepare For Glory!"

A quick word about Frank Miller's 300.

I caught this thing with the pals in New Hampshire last week. It ended up a split decision. Some of us hated it, some appreciated the flick despite its lunkheadedness. I think Ridley Scott's Academy Award winner Gladiator does the "ancient epic" thing a bit better -- but there is a savage charge in some of 300's battle scenes and spiritual carnage. As we left the screening room and moved into the theater lobby, some of us began yelling at the tops of our lungs such battlecries as "Wheaaaah is the baaaah-throom?! Let no man stand in our way!! These toilets... are for Spartaaaaaaaa!!!"

My good friend Tim Hulsizer and I joked awhile about the film, realizing that all of these recent, huge, swaggering, muscle-bound warrior pictures like Gladiator, Troy, Alexander and such all seem comfy enough to solely deal with European historical conquests. We joked that some studio with a few hundred million to burn needs to man-up some July 4th weekend with a similarly noisy, overwrought, meatheaded, testosterone-historical (or "testostorical") production centered on good ol' American history.

We imagined an unproven, schizo music-video director at the helm, directing a 70% slow-motion CGI extravaganza about George Washington's crossing of the Delaware in 1776 -- only the Delaware would be 500 miles across, there would be a thousand ship armada, the entire film would take place at night in the rain, there would be pirates, Washington would be a bent, uber-buffed, stripped-naked, homicidal maniac with an impossibly hot Betsy Ross awaiting his return... and since Hollywood's historical epics are primarily cast with actors from the UK or Austrailia, all of our American characters would be played by Brits -- which would make things even more surreal.

Hundred million opening weekend. Guaranteed.

Check out Tim's blog for similar concept art and more. ;)


millionsuns said...

Just saw this goddam thing last night. It was like the movie was trying to hump my leg like a pomeranian after sniffing leftover coke dust from the coffee table.

--mcc said...

I think that's the direction they gave Gerald Butler, actually.

--mcc said...

Oops, I meant "Gerard." But it's pronounced Gerald, you sticklers. :)

Also, regarding the "1776" bit... Anyone who says that Hollywood has already made such a film in Roland Emmerich's THE PATRIOT... That one doesn't count.

It's not part of the "new insanity: that flows through the more recent epics, and Gibson would need to be greasier and more naked -- which, at this point, just wouldn't be good for anyone nor the cinema as a whole.

--mcc said...

Damn, I hate my typing skillzoorz.