"We All Need Another Heeeeeero!"

It's no secret that as far as the cinema goes, superheroes are the new hotness. When once we had buddy cops (1980's), troubled inner city teens (1990's) or man-child savants (the Bush administration) we now have a shiny, new, superpowered, big-screen extravaganza on our silver screens for every month of the summer plus a few leftovers into the fall. Now, I'm not complaining, but these titanic stories of heroes and villains are starting to get... I don't know... a little bit "samey." Though Iron Man and The Incredible Hulk got a lot of mileage out of their stars and their fellow actors, they still managed to wrap up their climaxes in pretty much the same way: a full-CGI or primarily-full-CGI special effects slugfest where said heroes and villains are tossed about over and over until someone either dies or gets a TKO. Granted, such superfights are the essence of the comic book world they are derived from. But we can do better, cant we?

Perhaps the key is in the characters. Maybe the first step to creating an original superhero storyline is in creating an original supercharacter. Will Smith's upcoming Hancock looks to be a step in the right direction even if it does seem to be a tougher, edgier take on the 80's television classic The Greatest American Hero.

Recently, my good friend Tim Hulsizer and I were talking about a comic experiment he's working on -- he's creating a legion of humorous superheroes and villains for a series of illustrations. The sight gags will come from the ridiculousness of the names and outfits with details about origins and powers to possibly to follow at a later time. I jumped on board with a few suggestions, seen below.

Feel free to have a look, offer up some of your own, and -- if you happen to be a producer looking for movie material -- everything here is already copywritten 2008 by Tim and/or myself, all rights reserved. (But feel free to make us an offer. Our people are standing by.)

Assault and The Battery (a tag team)
General Warington
Megafist
The Eye-Scream Man
Quarterhack
The Dahli Slamma
Zygomator
Pac-Mangler (in conjunction with Namco/Midway)
Spaceshot
Republicon (or Robopublican)
R.E.O. Bleedwagon
Boulder Holder
Eskimonster
Orange Krushh
Trouser Pilot
Vomitron
The Frequent Frier (a pyromaniac)
The Marlboro Manster
Helicopper
Cream and Sugar (two pixie-like little girls)
Husker-Dude
Czechmate
Heart Breaker (played by Scarlett Johannson)
Japanimal
Brain Tomber
Tunnel Bunny
The Handicapturer (uses a wheelchair but actually has three times the limbs that we do)
The Gaffer and The Gripper (primary weapons: gloves and tape)
Pregnatron
Mason Dixon: The Northern Southerner
Chef Boyardoom
Fudge Packer (he's like Magneto, but can control sweets)
Scotch Guardian
Son Of Samurai
Alien McBeal
Predatori Spelling

Our apologies if you found any of the above offensive.
But then again, some were sort of supposed to be.


Theatrical Reviews:
The Friends Of Eddie Coyle (1973) ***1/2
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull ***
The Incredible Hulk **1/2

DVD/Home Video
Chungking Express (Hong Kong) ****
Scars Of The Sun (Japan) ***1/2
Bitter Films: Volume One ***1/2
Mad Detective (HK) ***1/2
9 Souls (Japan) ***1/2
Hamlet (2002) ***1/2
Blast Of Silence: Criterion Collection (1961) ***
Space Ghost Coast To Coast: 1988 Episodes ***
Sukiyaki Western Django (Japan) ***
Ambition Without Honor (Japan) ***
Days Of Being Wild (HK) ***
The Long Good Friday (1979) ***
Everything Will Be Okay ***
Flash Point (Hong Kong) ***
Bullet Ballet (Japan) ***
Runaway Train (1985) ***
Hysterical (1983) ***
Dead Run (Japan) ***
24: Season Six ***
The Lookout ***
Suture ***
Ryu Ga Gokuto aka: Like A Dragon (Japan) **1/2
The Third Yakuza (Japan) **1/2
Waru (Japan) **1/2
Blood From The Mummy's Tomb (UK) **

Rifftrax
Jurassic Park ***
Spider-Man ***
Spider-Man 3 **1/2
Fanatastic Four **